A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
Truthfully, it's stupid of Carrey to wonder into a nonGifted residence with her uniform on. I know she doesn't have other clothing to wear, but she should have planned her visit better. Update soon!
December 15, 2013 | Luna's Child
Haha yes that was not Carey's best move :P But she was so tired and hungry that she wasn't really thinking straight.
December 15, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I really, really liked Marvin’s speech to Janelle. It wasn’t quite the smack in the head that I would like someone to give her, but it expressed my feelings exactly. It’s good for the rebels that she’s finally found her backbone, but I think she’s still too self-centred in her internal dialogue to convince me that she’s turning into a capable leader. Oh well, there’s still time for her to grow, I guess. Yes, I’m biased against Jan but that’s just how it is – you can’t have all your characters likeable to every reader. So I hope you take this positively as evidence that your writing is having a great effect on me!
What are they going to do to 256? Oh no, I’m so worried for him!
Editing:
December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Haha I’m glad you liked his speech. I don’t mind if you don’t like her that much, I know I can’t please everyone :P Especially with a character like her, I think she’s one of those characters who people either like or don’t like, without much middle ground :)
BTW, I am wondering why you skipped chapter 14… I did find it weird that you commented on my side story but not that chapter, as that’s where I posted about it, so maybe it didn’t work properly? Sorry if I sound horribly pushy and mean, but I’d really like to hear your opinion on it ^^
December 16, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Yes, I do think that's what happened, because I distinctly remember posting a comment on chapter 14 - my broadband connection sucks. It probably swallowed my comment whole. So ok, I'll do a new one, hope I remember what I said!
December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Or it might be the site itself, cause I've been getting notifications for comments supposedly added to comments that I made, only they're for stories that I never commented on.
December 16, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Chapter: 0
256, no! Gosh, that was horrible; poor boy. Anyway, the scene of 256 facing the consequences of his hero-like actions was damn excellent. My attention was solely on reading one paragraph after another - it was really interesting and exciting, unfortunately in a sad way. The way you portrayed 256's feelings and thoughts was fantastic. I could really relate to 256 and experience everything he does as I read the chapter. I found myself completely immersed in the chapter.
The rest of it wasn't worse - Carey had some bad luck (although I believe it will turn out to be good luck in the end) with stumbling upon the tavern. Her way of thinking was legit; a village girl could not know how to hunt, it's understandable and it's good you made her mention that.
Marvin voiced my thoughts on the leadership in the resistance. I felt sorry for Janelle struggling to lead and I was beginning to have enough of her mopping around (although it was very natural and justified). It seems like my wish has been granted and there will be some action in the next chapter, which will distract her from having a leader's depression.
Now about the story in general. So far, it's an awfully good story, definitely in top five of the stories I read on the writing sites for amateurs. The pacing is good, as well as the characters. The plot is well-thought out as well and fairly interesting. It's not overly complicated, but still grants some unexpected turns of events. I had some predictions about the story, but not all of them were right (fortunately - I like surprises). At the moment, I predict that Carey will convince Janelle that they're on the same sides. Then, the next mission of the resistance will be to retrieve 256, who will become a new member of the resistance (I guess he wouldn't have a choice).
Anyway, the story gets better with every chapter.
January 28, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Aww, thank you :D I’m really glad you’re enjoying it, it means a lot to me. Sorry for being a bit lazy with my reviews on your story, by the way. 6 am starts at work and I are not a good mix, but I have the next few days off so hopefully I’ll be able to comment a lot more. At least, that’s my plan :)
January 29, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
So Carey has made it to the rebels and Janelle is out of her funk! I am so glad that Janelle was not one of those characters that decided to punish themselves by drinking and creating scenes. I have read way to many books where that is the outcome. I am glad Janelle wallowed in self pity and blame because that is what a classic hero (I mean a hero from before the 2000s) would do. I am also glad to see that Janelle is taking control of her mission once again. It wouldn't feel right if anyone else did it.
So I wonder what they are going to do to Carey. They are at a particularly vulnerable time in their lives, which makes me think they will react irrationally or in a sense a perfect rational sense. It is dangerous to trust, but at the same time it is necessary, and if they want to be able to take down the Gifted why not use the help of someone who knows them personally.
January 30, 2014 | S S Desai
Chapter: 0
Poor 256! I'm really worried about the guy. I can imagine what sort of punishments the Gifted could come up with and none of them are particularly pleasant. I hope he'll be okay...
I was glad that someone finally told Janelle what she needed to hear. I've felt sorry for Janelle since the rebel's defeat, (her reaction to that event and her continued moping and self-doubt since then was realistic, expected, and wholly justified) however I'm glad to see that she's finally getting the strength and courage to own her failures but realize that she can still be a good leader regardless. I don't think she's fully ready to resume her position, but she seems to be on her way.
She really needed to hear what Marvin said to her. He actually expressed my own feelings on the matter quite well! I had suspected that Samantha would be the one to talk some sense into her, but I liked that Marvin did it instead. As much as I mistrusted him initially, he comes across as being very wise. I still think there's more to him than what he's revealed so far, but he seems to have both the good of Janelle and the rebellion at heart.
I'm worried about Carey, of course. Although, I'd like to ask her why in the world she decided to waltz into an unknown building in the middle of the forest while still wearing her Gifted uniform. I'm sure it's cold outside, but she'd have been better off going in there stark naked than wearing that! She needs to have a talk with someone about thinking before she does things :D I do imagine the rebels are going to capture her now and question her. I don't see Janelle resorting to torture to get information out of her, but I'm still concerned. I hope she'll be able to convince the rebels that they are on the same side.
May 15, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Well, Carey was tired, hungry and cold, so she wasn’t really thinking at her most rational level ;) Even for Carey, that is very reckless :P
And as for 256, you should be worried… Muhahaha.
May 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Is that what 256 and 440 did in the past, let someone go? Will 256 get the punishment that they got before? If 440 felt a wee bit sorry for him (he was looking down as 256 begged him for help) then it must be a really harsh punishment. I hope 256 will be okay. It was nice of him to let Carey go. Maybe she'll help the rebels or something. Oh, and that ending. I HAVE to find out what happens. So I'm going to read the next chapter right after finishing this comment. Carey, 256, and Janelle, they're all good guys but each one is technically an enemy of the other two. I really like what you have going here. Excellent plot.
I'm still having a hard time finding things I don't like in these chapters, even after looking back on it a few times. I don't want to leave you without any criticism, though, so I'm going to say a few things that confused me in this chapter. I apologize if I'm just being stupid or over-analytical.
One, it could just be a little thing, is that 2405 was at first disapproving of 256 and his actions. You said that there was not a hint of emotion in her voice. It seemed like nobody really had any sympathy for 256. But then 2405 was smiling sadly, and 440 looked like he was struggling to agree with 2405. I mean, 440's a molester, why would he care so much about 256? It seemed like he didn't really like him.
Another thing is 440 not being punished. He let Carey go too, maybe not intentionally but he did. And the others knew it. Wouldn't they be suspicious of him too? They accepted the fact of her overcoming him (an air Giftee nonetheless).
The last thing is really picky. Near the end Janelle tried to disguise the hesitation in her voice, in the paragraph that began with, "We – we have to keep going..." I feel that disguising hesitation is a bit impossible, because pausing is obvious. Did you mean to say disguise the doubt in her voice? Or do people disguise hesitation in their voices in Australia? I guess that's another cultural thing.
Like in the other chapters, this one has great thoughts and dialog. It all seems natural, but not necessarily expected. 256's reaction and Marvin's talk with Janelle were nicely done. It's interesting how the rebels wanting to see her finally got Janelle off the bed and change her mind. And 256 obviously is worried about his punishment, and doesn't want to go through it, even though he seemed brave before.
I liked your idea of sedating 256. The people also had the Gift of fire, so they couldn't get burned by 256 but cut off his air supply with smoke.
Your transitions were nice too, not with the space between paragraphs but with the change of emotions between the characters, especially with Janelle.
Okay, that's it for this chapter. But I'm going to move on to the next chapter right away because I really want to know what happens next. Until then.
May 21, 2014 | David Boyce
Molesters have feelings too :P 440’s feelings towards 256 are quite complicated. Anyway, the main reason they’re not punishing 440, is that he didn’t really show any prior attachment to Carey, while 256 did because he’s bad at hiding his feelings. But, you are right. That probably is too simple :P
And no, you’re never being stupid or over-analytical! The pickier you are, the better for me haha :P
May 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Nooo that's just as much of a cliffhanger! Anyway, I knew it! I knew Samantha was Gifted. Well, I guessed it. She's hiding something from Janelle, and is so confident. And it would make sense, if 256 and 440 freed her in the past. Or maybe just 440...Now I'm just confused. Is she gifted? Couldn't she have used her Gift of fire during the fight? And what was in her dagger pouch? Your plot is so brilliant. You obviously put a lot of thought into it.
I'm really sorry, but I still can't find as much to dislike about these chapters. I've been focusing so much on the story itself. I feel really bad, like my comments are less valuable. I do have a few things to point out, but like I said, if you have any questions, even about an earlier chapter, feel free to ask.
Anyway, one thing is how Janelle and Samantha expected to gain Carey's trust. She's a Gifted, and could have harmed them. Why would any normal Gifted trust a villager? I mean, they were suspicious of her.
Some of the things I've said in earlier comments, like spelling typos and the thoughts thing, should be considered for all the chapters when you self-edit. They aren't a big thing, but can be found in several chapters.
I don't really like Samantha that much. She seems too perfect. Beautiful, smart, wise, really cares about her friends...and she's gifted? Eh...I'm sure you have her weaknesses, I would like to know them. Sorry, I just hate perfect people.
One more thing as I desperately look for things to nag about. The story generally doesn't appeal to all five senses, and this could be a minor thing, but at times you may want to think more about how the characters react to their environment, and how it effects them. Kind of like how well they can see in the dark.
Is there a spy in the inn? Rosa or Samantha would make great spies. Rosa seems too nice, and Samantha is likely Gifted. And what was that exchange between Samantha and Rosa before Rosa got them the sandwiches? Was Rosa going to poison Carey, because she wore the Gifted uniform, and Sam warned her not to?
It really messed with my mind when Samantha said that she used to live in village 13, and wandered from sanctuary to sanctuary. Just like that old lady previously mentioned earlier in the chapter and and in chapter 1.
Poor Carey, she's Gifted, so the others are scared of her, but the Gifted hate her for running away. How would her family react if she returns?
I thought it was a little funny when they all turned their heads toward Carey, and Janelle thought they could be less obvious. It's nice how you pay attention to little things like that.
Yeah, that's just about all I have to say. Are you sure this is the first draft? Surely not, it's so good. I really like this story. Unfortunately I can't read another chapter today. It's been a pleasure, and I hope you have a nice day/ night's sleep.
May 21, 2014 | David Boyce
About Samantha, that’s actually good if you feel that way about her. She’s supposed to appear this kind of perfect, cool person, and then starting from now on her various flaws and insecurities will begin to be revealed. The biggest one has already been touched upon, but not really mentioned much. I’ll give you a hint – the statement, “really cares for her friends” is wrong. There’s just one letter that needs to be removed before it’s correct :P
Thanks for the comments! You flatter me haha. Anyway, I’ll do my best to get to your story tonight. I’m staying home tomorrow, so if not I’ll definitely comment then! :)
May 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton