A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
It’s sad that Carey still thinks of 256 as one of the enemy, as shown by her dream. Oh well, one can always hope... He’s being really nice to her, partly because he thinks that’s his job, of course, but as you indicated at the end of the chapter, perhaps also because for the first time in his life he’s feeling something for someone else.
So Jan and Sam get a reality check (pardon the short forms, I always do that cause I can’t remember how to spell characters’ proper names). That gives your plot substance and plausibility. I haven’t really warmed up to these two characters yet. Maybe because I don’t really understand their motivation yet apart from simple revenge.
Editing:
December 3, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
I’ll admit, I struggled with Janelle’s character for the earlier chapters. I think I got the hang of her character around the seventh/eighth chapter, so hopefully you will warm up to her soon! :D
December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Aww, it seems like 256 is finally experiencing human emotion. Maybe he'll eventually help Carrey is escaping, or maybe both of them will help Janelle and her group to overthrow the Gifted.
-Just a head’s up, in the longer paragraph after Carrey’s dream you wrote: - It had been a little over her month… - It should be: - It had been a little over a month… -
Another spelling mistake is in the second paragraph after the salesman runs off from Janelle. You wrote: - After all, the Gifted regime effected all of them.- It should be: -affected-.
-Just a friendly advice, there were some instances in all of your chapters where you added redundant details. Ex: - Tonight, the snow that had been threatening to fall for so long finally appeared, coating the forest with a small layer of snow. – You could rewrite it as such: - Tonight, the snow that had been threatening to fall for so long finally appeared, and coated the forest with a small layer. -
December 3, 2013 | Luna's Child
Wow, I really need to edit more XD Thanks for picking up those errors!
December 3, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Carey's dream was amazing! Damn, you overdid yourself - the description of Wesley's death was simply awesomely detailed. I really was swooning over the descriptions ;-)
I noticed that the dark side is consuming 256 even more and I love it. I was very surprised that he can't read, but that makes sense. The Gifted seem to be obsessed with maximizing the usability, so it would be pointless to teach 256 how to read and write if he doesn't need the ability for his tasks (and all dictators know that the books may be a dangerous tool).
When Janelle struggled to do her "revolutionary" work, I made a face palm and giggled - her efforts to have people join the rebels were amusing. Well, beginnings are always hard. Usually, when the resistance is shown in books and movies, the organization is already formed, so it's interesting to read how Janelle wants to build it from the scratch.
I have to say, that you have a realistic approach to the resistance with Janelle's group being short of money and having trouble recruiting new followers, lack of ideas how to overthrow the Gifted. It's refreshing that the quest wasn't that easy.
January 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Hehe, for some reason I really like writing death scenes, they’re one of my favourite bits. Now what does that say about me… XD
January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I loved the moment when Rosa called Marvin "Patrick" and his answer - that was hilarious.
Overall, this chapter was very excellent. The whole situation in the inn was very believable, realistic. The people reacted to Janelle's speech just as I'd expect them to react. I liked how Janelle was struggling to get and maintain their attention on what she had to say and that she didn't meet with much enthusiasm. The moment when the people started showing up in the basement was very heart-lifting, but everything came down crashing when people started asking Janelle what her plan was. And this was another thing I liked in this chapter - it was very logical. If someone wanted to talk me into overthrowing a regime, I'd expect him/her to have a plan of some sorts, at least a sketch of a plan.
Anyway, it seems that things are starting to look better for the wannabe revolutionists. This chapter was definitely the best of Janelle's appearances for far.
January 23, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Chapter: 0
For the previous chapters 256 and Carey the feelings seemed one sided and in this chapter you can see Carey start to open up. Especially when she told him her name. In the world that he grew up in (I hope he gets a name soon. I feel like that would liven him up.) no one has a name, and he can tell names are special, so when Carey shares hers with him you can tell it means a lot to him.
I feel bad for Janelle and Samantha because I think as a writer we all know that feeling just before we think we should give up. That feeling that seems to be trying to take you down with it, is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world because it makes you aware of limitations. I also wish the people in the town would understand that there is strength in numbers. Also I totally related with the weather in this. It is 21 degrees here, to put that into perspective that is about -6 degrees for you, and I live in the south of USA (We are about to have the coldest night all year tonight.)! So I can totally relate with Samantha's and Janelle's pain.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Heh, I’m glad their coldness was relatable :P I live in western australia and it’s incredibly hot and dry here, even in the winter it's still not very cold. I’ve never even seen snow, so when I wrote about it in this story I just had to fumble along with my knowledge from books and movies XD
January 24, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Very well done with Carey's dream! Wesley's death scene was exceptionally well written and while it was pretty clear it was a dream (a fact which is aided by the italic) it was still a shocking moment. I scared my sister when I shouted 'Wesley, no!' rather loudly. Good going there.
I loved the interaction between Carey and 256. It was suitably awkward given their relationship thus far. I found myself laughing at some of his reactions. 256 isn't very good at comforting people, is he? Understandably, given the life he's had. It was interesting to learn that 256 can't read. I didn't expect that, although with the Gifted's efficient and utilitarian nature, it makes sense that he wouldn't because he doesn't need to.
By the way; Sam and Janelle huddling under the blanket together = cute XD
March 30, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Yeah, he’s not the best at comforting people (well, people like Carey, anyway). Hey, at least he tried xD
As for him being unable to read, it’s more than just he doesn’t really need to, although that is part of the reason xD The Leader and the Council rely on the complete obedience of the Gifted for their regime to continue. By not educating them properly it means they won’t think for themselves as much… And also, it controls the amount of information available to them.
Thanks for commenting! :D
March 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Love the dream. Brilliant idea, and wickedly executed.
Poor Carey. Her homesickness is well written and shown in more ways than just her longing for home. She thinks about how they're so far away as well as the factor of the recurring nightmare, always involving members of her family.
I'll admit, I remember I wasn't that big on Jenelle and Samantha's story arc for the first couple chapters. Carey and 256's current storyline was far more interesting, but Janelle's seems to have caught up. There's a lot of interesting developments now, in both storylines, and I can sense something brewing.
Another good chapter! I've noticed this with every one of them, but the frequent and unmarked POV changes are confusing and sometimes become a little messy. I'm not really sure how to fix them, and they work, in a way, but I find it difficult to follow at times.
May 3, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Yeah, Janelle and Samantha’s story takes a while to get going. I’ve been trying to think of a way to improve it at the beginning, but I think even if I do come up with something they’ll still have a slow start compared to Carey. Oh well. After about chapter 7/8 their story does begin to pick up.
As for the POV changes, I think they do get better later on. After about chapter 9 I only ever wrote one or two POVs a chapter (three very, very occasionally), and I think overall they’re a lot clearer then xD I’d forgotten about this until now, but I was also going to add some astericks in a line before POV changes, so hopefully that will give some warning and make them less jarring.
May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Gosh...like Carey, I've been having nightmares about that leader guy. Thanks a lot, Gen! Just kidding =) He does creep me out, though. I would be so surprised if he turns out to be a good guy. I still think he's brainwashing the Gifted. Though if he doesn't trust Carey, I'm assuming that he's a little afraid of her. Maybe he has some sort of weakness.
My nagginess for this comment only focuses on typos and some awkward wording, because I really like your plot and characterization. I'm still seeing some present tense throughout, words such as "tonight, "this," and "now." About a third of the way, at the snowy place, Marvin bought money. Later, I was confused as to why Marvin and Samantha left but then said that they wouldn't think of it, and grinned when they saw Janelle. They hadn't heard of her plan yet. By the end of the chapter, you included yourself in the story and said "behind me."
It's not that wording is awkward throughout. I like your writing style too. It's easy to read and the pacing was good. I noticed that you used the word "ask" with Carey and 256, so kudos on that ;)
The characters are well written. Their thoughts and dialog seem natural. I like the way you had Janelle think of her plan. Her emotions sort of went from negative to neutral before being positive. She wasn't all, "Oh, no. We're doomed. Oh, wait. We aren't. There's hope. Yay!" Her thinking of going to Rosa was one of those "Why didn't I think of that!" moments. She's one smart carrot.
Have I told you that I love 256? Not like love love but he's definitely my favorite character. Maybe due to the fact that he's the only boy at the moment. As a boy, just one character who's about my age and the same gender is enough, as long as he's like 256. I appreciate how you have some male characters in your story. In many stories, like my first one before I edited it, all the main characters are one gender or the other. But I digress. Where was I...oh yeah, I was talking about 256. I hope he gets a name, because he's too nice to be numbered. Maybe Carey will give him one. Maybe Bob. It's fascinating how Bob is so isolated from non-Gifted society. I wouldn't have thought about him not knowing what it's like to be on the outside, not knowing what it's like to have a family.
As previously stated, I think your characters' thoughts are great, as well as the way you say what they're thinking. From Janelle wanting to protect the people, if they'd let her, to her feeling like she was a little girl again, to Samantha's urgency, to 256's rebeliousness in disobeying the Leader, pushing away the evil thoughts in his mind (was that the Leader?), to Carey's not wanting to go train but rather write to Wesley...and so on. I think it was neat and a little funny how she stole the Leader's paper. All these thoughts and decisions make the reader stop to think. The story is very interesting and engaging, and shows all the thought you must have put into it.
May 7, 2014 | David Boyce
Not Bob! Anything but Bob! Sorry, I really hate the name Bob :P 256 does have a name, he just doesn’t know what it is (but I do! Muhahaha). After all, his parents must have called him something, before he was taken away. Although he may never find out what it is, or someone else may decide to call him something else, or he could stick to his number… I’ll give you a hint. His real name starts with a G.
Anyway, thanks for the grammar tips again! I always try to make sure I have plenty of male/female characters. After all, if fiction is supposed to reflect real life, then they should have even numbers of girls and boys unless there’s some reason not to. At this point in the story the only main male characters are 256 and Marvin, but there are more added later. It just turned out that way, really, that there’s a lot more females than males at the start ;)
May 8, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. ^^;
I really feel for Carey, being stuck in an unfamiliar, unfriendly place; likewise when it comes to having dreams like that. They're some of the hardest ones to shake off.
Janelle's frustration with the mission she and Sam started is understandable; when nothing goes the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try, it's all too easy to become discouraged. I'm glad she was able to come to a conclusion though, one that hopefully will work in their favour. :) Gotta start somewhere, right?
256's belief that parents eventually grow to appreciate the fact that their children are taken away really shows how deep the Gifted's conditioning really goes. That is some top-notch brainwashing they've done there--or is that the eldest Gifted really believe it? I can see that being the case too, but I highly doubt that they're right. :P
I think, between what he "knows" from the Gifted, and what he learns from Carey, 256 has a great deal of character growth on the horizon. He's already beginning to question things that I'm willing to bet he's never considered, before. The Gifted (the head honchos, at any rate) really are horrible for putting the children and their families through this. I'm interested to see how the story progresses, and whether the fates of 256, Carey, Janelle, and Sam are intertwined...and what part Marvin truly plays.
April 14, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer
Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it's not like I've been consistent with my comments. I'll try to get to your story again soon, but I've got a lot of schoolwork at the moment so I'm not sure when I'll be able to read more >.< Anyway, Carey’s definitely not in a good position :/ I’m glad her feelings are coming through. And Janelle’s frustration as well. She definitely expected her mission to be easier than it’s turning out to be :P
I’m glad that 256’s development is beginning to be clear as well. He’s probably the character that undergoes the most change in the first part of the story, so I’m glad if that’s coming through. The Gifted are very isolated and are only shown one way of life, so for him Carey is like this exotic person with all these new ideas and because of that she fascinates him xD
April 16, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Hey, sorry for not getting back sooner, I've been slightly preoccupied :L but no worry. Before I begin, I want to know what time period this is set in? Whether it is past or future? Just out of curiosity.
I like how you showed Carey beginning to unravel slightly at being imprisoned by the gifted. It makes her ordeal more believable, and the nightmare she is having is quite graphic. Personally, if I kept dreaming my family was dead I would begin to lose hope, but I hope Carey doesn't go that way. I admire her spark.
Janelle made me laugh, she is so tactless. She is honestly about as subtle as a brick. She doesn't know or read people that well,but maybe she'll improve on that :L I also am really curious about the 'Sancturies' and what they are and who they harbour. There's mystery there.
It was nice to see Samantha more animated. To see some passion in her, it makes her seem less glacial. It also makes me wonder her motivation for wanting to overthrow the Gifted. Maybe it has something to do with her sister? That revelation gave her substance and more depth as a character and I'm excited to see how she progresses.
256's confliction of loyalties is bothersome sometimes. One foot with the Gifted, the other with Carey; mind vs heart. This, though it makes me dislike him, makes him more believable as a character to have some inner turmoil. Surely he's not the only one who thinks like this? My only criticism on this section of the chapter was when he asked how the nonGifted react once their children have been taken. Carey only said about some people being sad in a field, which wouldn't be that moving. 256 is brainwashed, so he would have to hear something really gripping and quite tragic in order to brush off 18 years of propaganda.
Overall, another excellent chapter. I'm really beginning to get involved in this story now. My one note of advice would be, since there are four POVs, would be to make the distinction more obvious that ".......". That's just my opinion, disregard it if you wish :L
January 21, 2016 | deactivated account
Thanks for the comment! Well, this story is set in an alternate universe, so it is in neither the past, present, nor future :P But, in terms of technology it’s set in the “past”, I suppose. The level of technology depends on where you live. The Gifted tend to have better technology, as well as the factory towns, while the farming villages and others have much less. Overall, the technology of the island doesn’t really correlate with a specific time period of Earth history, and there are various reasons why that’s the case, but it’s rather hard to say why without giving away spoilers, so I won’t say anything more on the matter xD
There are only three POV characters in the story – Janelle, 256 and Carey. Samantha has no sister, that’s Janelle. Sorry for the confusion ^^; As for Samantha, her motivation for rebelling against the Gifted is something that’s not revealed for some time. Samantha is rather closed off when it comes to her secrets (for good reason) and because she doesn’t have POV it’ll be a while before her true motivation is revealed.
January 21, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Hey! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you with your story - quarantine blues and things to do ^^' - but I'll try and make a more concentrated effort to read from now on.
Immediately on first glance, I really liked how you portrayed the dream sequence. How you vividly describe everything Carey anticipates ( the crackling of the fire, the relief of being home with her family) and how it's cruelly taken away from her. How you wrote Wesley and 256 in particular was really good! Even in Carey's dreams, 256 has a tinge of regret to his actions, claiming that he had to do it.
I always love the switch to Janelle and Samantha's POV, and to see how Janelle is interacting with the public, trying to illicit the public to overthrowing the Gifted, pretty much answered my earlier niggles with previous chapters. Here we can see what the public think of them, something I found missing in previous chapters. They speak with hushed tones, saying that they're more than generous even when it's the polor opposite. The interaction with Janelle and Samantha, where they don't seem to be on the same page with the commitment they're in, surprised me (in a good way!) nice to see a little bit of grit to develop their characters and their relationship down the line.
I guess the only little niggle I spotted was this line - Janelle could see village she visited earlier that day - but other than that, this was a really enjoyable chapter!
August 6, 2020 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)
Thanks for the comment! And no worries, it’s not like I’ve been punctual in my comments either. I hope you’re staying safe! Anyway, I’m glad you liked this chapter. Most of these early chapters I’ve felt need a lot of editing (which I’ve been endlessly procrastinating :P) so I am glad what I do have is resonating with you so far. Thanks again and I’ll try and get back to your story soon.
August 13, 2020 | Genevieve Middleton