A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
September 11, 2013 | D.M. Gergen
Chapter: 0
-I think there’s a spelling mistake in this line: “… I collapsed before we could. So stop whinging.” I believe you meant to write “whining”.
-The Leader is one sadistic bastard. I hope he dies.
-Marvin is indeed an elusive character. I can understand why Janelle is suspicious of him. I wonder if you’ll reveal more about Marvin as the story progresses.
December 1, 2013 | Luna's Child
Lol that's the second time I've been corrected for that word. I didn't realize whinging was a colloquial term... I thought it was used everywhere :P It's like whining but even more annoying.I suppose I should probably change it.
December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
This chapter humanises the Gifted even further, particularly 256’s memory of his teacher. The interaction between 256 and Carey is very natural. I’m glad that she’s gotten over her initial mistrust and is ‘opening up’ to him. Romance radar activated.... :D
On Janelle/Sam’s end, the bit with Janelle not trusting Marvin is good, and it answered my earlier question on that issue, even if Marvin didn’t give any real answer. You are giving more information on the Gifted, so this is the point where you need to be careful and be consistent in your ‘facts’ or else you’d have to do major rewriting of earlier chapters later on.
One small nitpicky thing is that you word the characters’ thoughts like dialogue. The convention is to write thoughts as reported speech, I believe, unless it’s an utterance that is unsaid. Eg instead of ‘She’s probably dehydrated,” he thought, it would be He decided / concluded / thought she was probably just dehydrated.
Editing
December 3, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Chapter: 0
Carey was great with her defiance as ever. I really like how stubborn and feisty she is, plus she's getting smart. The idea to get stronger first and then use the Gift of Stealth to escape was jackpot, even though it won't be that easy to execute the plan.
What I appreciated the most, was the character development of 256. He started as a totally bad guy, his attitude towards Carey made me despise him, but gradually, he shows that there is more to him. He has his own opinions, doubt in the righteousness if the Council's actions - a little more time spent with Carey and he'll join the dark side of the Force ;-) Besides, it's good to have a male character around.
The last part of the chapter was quite informative. It's good to know the limitations of the Gifts. So far, the plot line with Janelle is the weakest. Carey's side has a heroine with a distinctive personality, clear storyline and and interesting character of 256. In comparison, Janelle is a bit bland, although she's feisty too. Her companions aren't as thrilling as 256 - Marvin is nice, has some knowledge, but he's a goody two-shoes. Samantha is surely a mysterious one and perhaps she should be flashed out more. What is the greatest weakness, the "rebels" don't have a clear objective - they follow one clue after another, but I don't see an ultimate goal here.
Okay, I hope I wasn't too cranky about Janelle. I suspect that the both plot lines will meet at some point and I'm really curious how will it happen.
January 21, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
Oh don’t worry, I’m perfectly aware that Janelle’s characterisation and plot are all over the place for the first part of the story. When I started this story, I had a clear idea of Carey and 256’s characters, Janelle… not so much XD Anyway, I think I got the hang of writing her about chapter 7/8 (well I hope I did :P). And Marvin has some dark secrets, don’t worry. So does Samantha. And Janelle, actually :P Aw, 256 wasn’t a completely bad guy at the start :P If he was, he would’ve just killed Wesley. He does genuinely believe that what he did was for Carey’s benefit XD
January 21, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
“I won’t,” she said stubbornly. “I’m strong.”
“But you’re still human.”
________________________________________________________________
Those were my favorite lines because they held such meaning. Every now and then I think it is important to remind our selves that even the greatest of heroes have their limitations. And that we are all still "human" that there is not life that is worth more than another.
We can see that 256 really does care about human life, and I think it is important because all the other Gifted seem to think that they are the "lessers", and he has his moments where he had to remind himself that that is what he is supposed to think.
I love what you did with the powers. How they can only harm you if they touch you. It is new, and everyone has to have a weak point. It would not be a fun story if the seemed invincible because then the main protagonists would seem like they stood no chance.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Chapter: 0
Is there any story significance to the fact that all of the Gifted's numbers thus far all equal 13? I noticed primarily because I'm fascinated by numbers and patterns like that. (My friends think I'm weird) In my own writing, I use the infamous Numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) from the TV show Lost at any point I need to reference a number. I have no idea why I do this, but it helps me see similar patterns in other works. Now I sound crazy and I'm babbling... forget I said anything XD
Anyway, this chapter continues to both humanize the Gifted (with 256 and his memory of his trainer) and vilify them (in the case of the Leader). I like that while 256 is clearly devoted to the cause, he's not just a mindless drone. He has feelings and opinions that are entirely his own and they don't seem to always line up with the Leader's.
Interesting limitation to the Gifted's powers. I thought they would have to have one, otherwise Janelle and Sam's rebellion is pretty screwed. Having to be in physical contact with their target makes the Gifted seem far less powerful than they do if you think they can strike you dead from afar. If that little secret got out, it might just make some of the oppressed decide to join a fledgling rebellion.
March 26, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Wow, you’re the first person to notice that! Here, have a cyber cookie. There’s no story significance, it’s just a little bit of symbolism. Also, thirteen is my favourite number XD I’m very nerdy when it comes to number patterns as well. As the story goes on not all of the important characters have numbers that add up to thirteen (there is one more significant character at this point that does, but he isn’t introduced for a while) but I chose all of them very carefully, particularly 256. The other number I use is the number 4, because of how it’s viewed in China (I studied Chinese for a while). Most of the important Gifted characters have numbers related to either 13 or 4. Except for 256, who has both (4 to the power of 4 is 256). Gosh, that was much longer than I meant it to be…
Well, as they said they can set fire around you, or lock you in a room and raise the water levels, but they can’t directly harm you (i.e set you on fire or fill your lungs with water, for example). So there are ways to work around the limitations of the Gifts… But they need some limitations, otherwise the rebels wouldn’t have a chance XD
March 26, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I think I've said before you write character's reactions in a very realistic and heartfelt way. Not only do their reactions to certain things stay in the realms of reality but they also stay in character, which is always a good thing. Carey's confusion was very easy to sense and it helped the reader feel some sympathy towards her.
I think there was some good world building in this chapter. 256 explains some things to Carey, and thus to us as well. We learn a little more about the world you've created in this chapter, and it's an interesting break. I also appreciate the fact you didn't take the route of an info-dump.
May 3, 2014 | A . Nonymous
Thanks for commenting! I’m glad you like the characters reactions to things. I try and make them as realistic as possible, so I’m happy they’re convincing :D And yes, info dumps should definitely be avoided :P
May 4, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Well, that chapter was nice and long. It looks like we have different writing styles; you seem to prefer longer chapters, longer sentences and a general absence of the word "ask" so I'll try not to bug you about that if it's a preference thing.
I'm glad I found this story. Usually I'm pretty picky about what books I read, but Gifted is a great one. The story is well thought-out. I like how you have the little things like 256 thinking that Carey was a human and had a mind of her own. You also remember the details, like Carey wanting adventure and her uniform not having a sleeve design because the gift of stealth is a rarer gift. Your plot and writing style are to like as well.
Just a warning, I'm going to be picky as usual here. It's a long chapter, so I must give a long review =) About Carey's uniform, you said near the end of chapter four ("The older man cleared his throat...") that they didn't have any stealth clothes prepared. I don't see how Carey's gift could have their own type of clothing without the identifying arm marking. Another little (possible) inconsistency was with the attendant in the medical ward. At first he was lazing (I didn't know that was a word, learned something new today!) when they first walked in. For some reason, giving Carey the water and soup made him busy. He was hurrying and had to tend to the children. Something I found to be strange was when on the second long paragraph this happened:
He lead her...It had been soon after that that he had –
"Are you just going to stand there?”
I was proper scandalized when your - your - own third person narration was interrupted by Carey. You created her, and she interrupted you. Don't let her do that. It's not natural. If that was 256's thoughts, then I would do something like, "It had been soon after that that I had -" to directly show that he is thinking and Carey interrupts him (not you). Also, his thoughts were done 'like this" when he found out that she was hydrated. I happened to notice that the beginning of chapter three and the middle of chapter four still have some thoughts that use your old style of inner dialog, with the quotes. Near the end of the chapter, you used quotes 'like this" with the singular quotes when Marvin was talking. I was a little confused when, at the end of the second paragraph in Janelle's part, you said "They too," where I think "They had again" or something if that makes it more fluent. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes scattered around the chapter. Sorry about all the negative stuff, the positive parts are coming.
I'm pretty sure this was intentional, I noticed a giant character change in 256 (I can't help thinking of him as a robot because of his name). He's really in love with Carey, isn't he? He seems to be a lot nicer than before. Like, A LOT. I like him that way. If the Leader is using mind control on the gifted, then hopefully love will break him out of it. He started out a little bitter, and now he cares about Carey. There's a lot to ponder over when it comes to that boy. Hey, speaking of the Leader, what's his number? Is it 666? At first he seemed like a nice guy, but now I'm a bit disturbed by him. He's, like, evil. How dare he strangle Carey! The way he did that reminded me of Darth Vader somehow. I don't know why, I'm not even a Star Wars fan, but he used his gift to choke Carey like Vader choked that one guy. Then 256 would be a droid or something. Anyway, the Leader and 256 changed a little as their true characters are revealed or whatever, but you've done a great job of maintaining Carey's character. She's adventurous, independent, and tough. She's also smart, because what protagonist isn't, and has plans to escape even with little hope. She really misses her family, and wants to get back to them. She kind of reminds me of Janelle in that way. There's just a couple more things (sorry about the really long comment). I'm intrigued by Marvin. He knows a lot, and gives the two girls resources that they don't know, a powerful source but possibly one that could harm them. Is he gifted? Maybe 256 from the future (plot twist!) or something? If the Leader is Darth Vader, he's like a sensei or something. He's old, mysterious, and powerful. I have now idea where I'm going, that just came out of nowhere =) I also like your idea of the gifted not being able to harm someone unless they touch you. Of course, Marvin could be lying, but I think he was telling the truth. Yet another thing I thought was cool is when you used the word "coldly" when talking about the water gift guy, who used ice to trap them. Haha, cold and ice =)
I noticed that you've took the time to do a lot of editing on the first thirty or so chapters. Nice work on that. Again, let me know if I'm not providing enough feedback in these comments and if there's more that I can add to them (or take away).
May 5, 2014 | David Boyce
Haha, you’re right to be so negative. These early chapters are very lazily written, personally I cringe when I read back over them :P Still, I don’t want to do too much editing because I want to rewrite them altogether. Those chapters I edited wasn’t really editing, I was just adding astericks to make the POV changes easier to comprehend (before I hadn’t added them past the first two chapters).
Heh, I haven’t even seen Star Wars (I know, it’s shameful…) Anyway, your theories on the Leader and Marvin were very entertaining to read :P As for 256, he’s not in love with Carey. He’s only known her for a day, and I am an avid non-believer of love at first sight (I know, I’m a cynical old lady). You can’t love someone you don’t know. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for her at this point. I actually think I probably made him too aloof at the beginning - he's supposed to appear that way at first, and then sort of reveal his "true colours" but I made it too big of a change... Just one of the things I want to rewrite :P
May 6, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I'm trying to remember if you ever mentioned what Gift the Leader has, or not. Judging from what she did to Carey, I'd have to guess Air? I could be way off-base, of course, since there are other gifts outside of elemental. ^^;
I thought the Leader was being too pleasant with her beforehand--good to know there was a reason. I definitely like 256, even if he is quite meek. I see the potential for growth with him, just as surely as I see it for Carey, and for your other protagonist, Janelle.
I'm kind of wondering the same as Janelle--whether they'll wind up having to kill the doctor at some point. I don't believe he's a bad person, even if he is concealing something from them--but it's also possible for good people to do bad things, so I'm kind of going back and forth, trying to decide what I think of him.
Anyway, this was a good chapter. :)
January 4, 2015 | Shannon Rohrer
Thanks for the comment! The Leader’s Gift has not been mentioned so far, but it would appear that she has an Air one :P
January 4, 2015 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Another excellent chapter! Your style here is fast paced and I love that. I wish I could do it cause it takes me 30 years to get to a point aha :L I like how we got to know more about 256's past and his demons with his mentor 913. It makes him seem more human and more relatable. I like him a little more than I did a few chapters ago :L he seems genuinely kind, though in the world of the Gifted seems to be a bad personality. I hope he stands up for himself :L
I still have this odd respect for the Leader. She's just so compelling and enrapturing, even though she seems like a bit of a psychopath choking Carey like that. Yikes. I do wonder how she just magically knew Carey's thought process? It seems a bit unrealistic that she just knew. Maybe it was a fear tactic to completely remove any thoughts in her heads of it? Idk maybe I'm just too perceptive.
Marvin is odd? Why was he annoyed that they killed the Gifted? I mean what did he expect :L? I'm glad the question of his reasoning behind overthrowing the Gifted has been addressed. I mean, no one likes living in an authoritarian, elitist dictatorship, but people have been content for a 1000 years. He seems so nonchalant about the whole thing. It makes me suspicious of him. Also why hasn't just told Janelle and Sam about the Gifted and their secrets?
A lot of questions that I want answered so I'll keep reading. I couldn't find much issue other than the detail of prose. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it and will continue :)
January 16, 2016 | deactivated account
Thanks for the comment! I’m glad the Leader is likeable in her own way :P If nothing else, she is the person in charge of a large group of individuals and manages to keep them for the most part in line, which is pretty deserving of respect. She’s very perceptive and Carey’s plan is a fairly obvious one and she changed her demeanour from angry and defiant in chapter 6 to compliant and interested to learn in this chapter very quickly, so the Leader does pick up on her plan rather easily. She’s not using magic :P As for Marvin, it was a bit stupid of him to tell them off for killing the two Gifted xD He’s not a fighter though, so he doesn’t always see clearly when it comes to that.
January 17, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
So I'm reading this chapter, and what I immediately love about it is the way you personify 256 even more, especially towards his past reactions to 913. Even here, we see that there are liberties taken that are not strictly allowed, such as when 256 such had been punished by 913, yet she didn't as her duty seems to instruct her to. Living as a Gifted, you paint a pretty great picture of a system that is rigid and uncomprimising, moulding people into that ideal. It's only natural for people to have personalities and traits outside of those ideals, and you show them every now and again, which is quite nice!
Yeah, the next chapter addressed my previous note not about the confusion surrounding the Leader - how she'll be training Carey as well as 256, which I must have misinterpreted earlier, sorry xD - and I love the added layer you gave her. Her interaction with Carey painted her a lot more vividly as a powerful Leader and I loved it. She also has a unique Gifted power, from what I can see? Or is his the Gift of Air? I need to brush up on my lore xD
I missed Janelle and Samantha, so I'm glad it came back to their POV! I absolute love this part of the novel, especially when we see an actual fight with the Gifted, and we get to see what they do for the first time! It was a unique attack that they used on Samantha, and Marvin's warning was genuine, though his reasons for still unclear. It was really well-thought out.
This chapter on the whole did a lot and advanced a lot of the story at the same time, I have no major gripes with it!
June 8, 2020 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)