A bolt of lightning flashed between the distant trees, vivid white and blinding. To 481’s surprise, the horses did not startle. Instead, they trotted steadily onwards through the thundering rain, barely making a sound. The Gifted man shivered, drawing his grey, fur-lined cloak closer to his body with his left hand, gripping the reins as tightly as he could with his right. With every step his mare took, he felt his grip slipping. His fingers had never been the same since an assignment three years ago, when his right hand and wrist had been shattered by the blow of a rebel’s club.
I can’t let them see my weakness. The Leader herself chose me for this mission. If I do well, she may even recommend me for the Council. I don’t want her to see me as just a damn cripple.
“Shouldn’t we stop and find cover?” 373 called. 481 glanced to the left where his companion rode beside him. The younger man was sitting tall in his saddle despite the droplets trickling down his face, his eyebrows raised and his lips curved into a bemused smile. His question was directed at the Leader, who rode in front of them on a large bay gelding.
“No,” she said, turning when she spoke. She wore a long cloak similar to 481’s but hers was deep black and edged with gold. Her stark grey eyes narrowed, shadowed by her hood. “We ride on until we reach the village.”
373 bowed his head and touched his fist to his chest. When the Leader was facing forward again, he glanced at 481 and rolled his eyes.
“She’s been Leader for what, two months?” he said under his breath. “I’ve been leading expeditions for fifteen years. It’s not like we’re chasing after rebels, we’re just going to arrest some old village woman. It can wait until tomorrow morning, surely. If we keep going the horses will tire. They’ll stumble and fall.”
481 shrugged, glancing nervously at the Leader. I can’t let her hear any doubts. “I’m sure the Leader has her reasons,” he said evenly. He shivered, resisting the urge to chatter his teeth. “Maybe this woman is a rebel, or something else, I don’t know. There are known rebel groups in the south.”
“If that were the case, she would’ve told me at the very least,” said 373. He sat up straighter, adjusting the reins. “I’m in the Council now. We are privy to such information.”
You’re an up-jumped pretender. You’ve never fought in a real battle in your life, but somehow you managed to convince the Head Councilman to promote you. 481 gritted his teeth, clenching his injured fist as tightly as he could. It was he who should have had that position, he who should be wearing a black uniform. Instead, he was stuck with grey while a younger, vainer man took his place. His only hope now was that the Leader took a shine to him and recommended he be promoted. She could not appoint Council members herself, but 481 assumed the Head Councilman took her advice into account.
“What do you think?” 373 continued, oblivious. He raised his eyebrows, glancing over his shoulder at the fourth member of their party, who rode steadily behind them on a dappled grey mare.
“It’s not our place to question the Leader,” the woman said quietly, her voice almost inaudible through the rain. They had set off from the fortress together at dawn, but in the twelve hours since 481 had yet to hear her speak. He knew her number, 571, from the mission briefing the Head Councilman had given him prior to their journey. She wore a grey uniform like him, but the dark green lining of her cloak and sleeves and the emerald encrusted timepiece hanging from her belt indicated she had the Gift of Earth.
“Fine,” said 373 shortly, rolling his eyes. He lowered his voice. “Don’t act like the two of you aren’t thinking the same thing.”
481 cleared his throat, shifting in his saddle. He glanced at the Leader, but she rode onward, with no change in her body language to suggest she had heard anything.
I’m not questioning her. She is our Leader now, and I must do as she asks. But… it is unusual, he’s right in that.
Leaders rarely travelled the Island, especially not for a mission that could be easily handled by even the most inexperienced of Gifted. The Head Councilman had read the mission briefing to 481 before he left the Fortress - they were to capture a certain village woman alive and bring her back for questioning. 481 had no idea what knowledge she had that could possibly be useful to the Leader and the Council. That information was classified, which he understood well enough. As an ordinary Gifted soldier, it wasn’t his place to question his orders. But the Head Councilman had shown him a sketch of their target too. She was a small, frail looking woman in her sixties with long white hair tied in a braid, barely indistinguishable from any other nonGifted villager. She would never be able to overpower a single fully trained Gifted, let alone four, so why the Leader felt she had to lead the mission herself was a mystery. Perhaps there was something else about this woman that made her capture vital. Or perhaps the Leader simply wanted to prove herself to the Gifted and her Council. Leaders served for life, but she was newly appointed and young. Her predecessor had been a strong, stable man, guiding both the Gifted and nonGifted for almost fifty years. Many in the Fortress, including 481 himself, had doubts over whether this young, unblooded woman could fill his shoes.
Lost in thought, 481 and his companions spent the rest of the journey in silence. They rode for an hour more, following the winding forest road south until it met the Great River. From there, it was only a short journey along the riverbank to Town 13, the farming village where their target was supposedly hiding. When they finally arrived it was well past sunset, and the rain had slowed to a steady drizzle.
“At last,” 373 said, yawning loudly as they followed a dirt path between two large, grassy fields. They were heading for a cluster of redbrick buildings visible at the bottom of the hill, where the river met the sea. “What are the headquarters like in these farming villages? I haven’t stayed in one for years. Are there decent beds? They have thralls, right –“
“We won’t be stopping yet,” the Leader interrupted from up ahead. “We will find the target and capture her, exchange our horses, then make our way back to the Fortress.”
“But that’ll take all night,” 373 protested, sitting up straighter in his saddle and puffing out his chest. “Sir, I know this mission is crucial to you, but if we ride all through the night we will only be tired and might make mistakes. She may overpower and escape us. We should stop and rest now, then in the morning –“
“If we stop to rest, she may hear of our arrival and run,” the Leader said. She turned to face her subordinates, her eyebrows narrowing. “I’m surprised you’re causing so much fuss. If you are truly Gifted, one sleepless night should be no trouble.”
373’s neck reddened and his dark brown eyes narrowed into slits. After a few seconds he placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head.
“Of course, sir,” he muttered through gritted teeth. 481 smirked, turning his head away so the Councilman couldn’t see. He tried catching 571’s eye, but her gaze was fixed on the Leader.
When they reached the bottom of the hill, the dirt track turned into a cobblestone road that led into town. They followed the street until its end, where it widened into the central village square. The Gifted headquarters was located on the side of the square closest to the sea, facing inwards towards the town. It was a large, two-storey building with a tall, white stone fence surrounding the property. A large stable was located on the grounds, and to 481’s surprise the Leader took them straight there rather than greet the local Gifted. They left the horses behind with a fresh bale of hay and continued on foot, making their way back along the cobblestone road to the large communal buildings that made up most of the town. The Leader had them stick to the shadows, hurrying along in single file until they reached a red-brick dwelling that overlooked the river. It was one of the larger buildings in the village. From the size of it, 481 guessed there would be at least twenty rooms of varying sizes that each housed a nonGifted family inside.The Leader took her three followers to the nearest staircase, a large stone construct stuck onto the side of the building which led to the upstairs rooms.
“Our target is hiding in here,” said the Leader, standing at the bottom of the stairs. “Room 14. It’s on the top floor. 571, you stay here and keep watch for anything suspicious. 373, you hurry to the second exit on the other side of this building. If she knows we are coming, she may try to escape that way. 481, you search around the other buildings. Make sure she isn’t hiding anywhere else. I will check Room 14.”
481 bowed deeply and turned around, making his way to the central courtyard that effaced the four largest communal buildings. When he was out of sight of his comrades, he let his lips break into a grin. It seemed to him that his job was the most crucial, after the Leader’s. If the target had tried to made an escape, it was he who would likely find her.
If I do I’ll capture her all by myself. It’s my chance to show the Leader what I can do. If I find and subdue this villager, she’ll recommend me to the Council for sure.
He moved swiftly through the streets, checking down every alley and corner he could find. The clouds shifted above him and for the first time that night, the full moon was visible in the sky. It shone brightly and aided his search, illuminating the cracked and scuffed brick walls, highlighting every nook and cranny. After ten minutes of searching, he finally reached the far side of the village, where the red brick buildings melted into vast farmlands. Gazing out at the silver dappled grass fields, 481 sighed and closed his eyes.
I suppose this is far enough. If she’s fled any further, we’re unlikely to find her tonight.
He turned around and was about to start back towards Room 14 when he a gust of wind blew past him and the rustling of leaves filled the air. Glancing towards the gentle sound, he noticed a small herb garden nestled between the paddock fence and the redbrick wall of the nearest communal building. Resting his ruined right hand on the hilt of his sword, he crept slowly towards the garden, coming to a stop outside the picket fence.
Just twenty feet away from him kneeled a small village woman with a long, messy white braid. Even from the back, her resemblance to the sketch was too great to be a coincidence. She was dressed in simple village garb; a dirty brown woollen dress with a grey shawl draped over her shoulders. Her hands were covered by thick black gloves and she held a cluster of grey-green weeds in both of them. Even from a distance, 481 could see her wrinkled, thin neck and wrists as she tended to the garden.
It’s her… This frail old woman is the person the Leader needed three experienced Gifted to hunt down.
“What are you doing here?” the woman said, looking up from the ground.
481 stifled a gasp and grabbed at his sword. His ruined fingers fumbled around the hilt and it slipped out of his grip. Cursing under his breath, he switched quickly to his left hand. He tensed, ready to rush forward, but the woman did not turn around or stand up. Instead, she stayed hunched over the ground, tending to the plants while a gentle breeze blew through the garden, tousling her hair. Only then did she look up at the sky, as though someone tall was standing directly before her.
“Why won’t you tell me who you are?” the village woman said. She spoke with a quiet, silvery voice. “I’d love to know more about you.”
What is she doing? Talking to herself like that… Is she mad?
481 frowned and pursed his lips together. Gingerly, he took a step forward, but before he could approach the target someone placed a hand on his shoulder. He glanced to his right and saw the Leader standing behind him, a finger held to her lips. 481 bowed his head and let her go on ahead without him.
“Stand up,” the Leader said, drawing her sword. Her eyes were fixed on the village woman, and her normally grey irises glowed an eerie white as the air around them drew still. “Your time is up, traitor. We’re taking you back to the Council.”
The village woman stood up, glancing at the moon before she turned to face the Leader. Her pale blue eyes remained impassive as a steely wind current wound its way over her body, immobilising her.
“I wondered how long it would take,” the villager said quietly. “Everywhere I go, he always seems to find me. Two years is a long time, though. Longer than I thought, but…. Never mind. We both know you won’t hold me for long.”
The Leader beckoned at 481. He hurried forward. “I know why you came to this village, traitor,” she said, her eyebrows narrowing. “I know you came back to be with your son, your grandchildren. We found them first.”
The woman’s expression changed instantly. Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth for a moment, swallowing and closing it quickly.
“Any sign of resistance, and they all die,” The Leader continued in a low voice. “Do I make myself clear?”
The woman nodded, all colour draining from her cheeks. The Leader smiled, glancing at 481 and jerking her head in the traitor’s direction.
“481, bind her please. Quickly.”
481 bowed, hurrying as fast as he could to the villager’s side. He pushed against the air like he was wading through a wall of mud, gritting his teeth. When he reached her, 481 took a thick metal chain from his belt and wound it around the woman’s bony wrists. He tightened them until the steel rings cut into her skin and she let out a gasp. Once she was chained, the air settled and the Leader’s eyes faded back into grey. She strode forward and grabbed the woman by the left elbow, while 481 held onto her right.
“Back to headquarters now,” she said shortly, jerking the woman forward so violently she and 481 almost lost their balance. “We will take a carriage back to the Fortress. Her family will be taken for questioning also, but they will not be killed unless she resists.”
481 nodded, gripping their captive’s arm tightly as they made their way back through the village. When he glanced up at the nearby buildings, he saw candles burning in the windows and the faces of many nonGifted peering down at them, their eyes wide and fearful. A few had even taken in to the streets, watching from the alleyways as the two Gifted marched the traitor through the village streets. When they reached the town square, 373 and 571 were standing beside a large carriage with two draft horses attached and a thrall siting in the driver’s seat. Another three horses were tied to a nearby fence post, saddled and ready to go. Two new Gifted women, who 481 presumed were the current supervisors of the village, stood beside a dark-haired, middle-aged man and two young children. The man’s brow was sweaty and his shoulders shook with every breath. The children cried silently, their arms wrapped around each other.
“Mother!” the man called as they approached, his voice cracking. Murmurs swept through the growing crowd as more nonGifted left their homes to watch the scene unfolding before them. “I – I’m sorry... They were holding a knife to Josie and I couldn’t –“
“It’s alright, Eddie,” the woman said quickly. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come back. Just – do as they say, and you’ll all be fine.”
“They should just let us go,” her son said hotly, his shoulders heaving as a tear ran down his cheek. “Gifted, please listen… My mother is harmless, truly. She – she just wanted to see her family again. Please, let her stay with us. She’s not hurting anyone. Please, just -”
“Don’t say anything,” the traitor interrupted, shaking her head as they reached the other Gifted. 373 stepped forward and yanked her arm away from 481’s grasp, and pushed her forcefully up the steps into the carriage. She craned her neck towards her son, gasping with pain as the Gifted man twisted her elbow. “Please Eddie, don’t fight them. I –“
Her words became muffled as 373 forced a cloth gag into her mouth, tying it so tightly behind her head that she groaned. The Leader stepped forward, her eyes narrowed into slits as she regarded the crowd. Fearful faces stared back at her. One girl in particular caught 481’s eye. A tall, thin, dark-haired teenager stood on top of the stone well’s wall, craning her neck for a better look. Her bright blue eyes shone through the dim moonlight, a wisp of tangled hair caught in her lip. 481 frowned. The longer he stared at her, the more he had a sense that they had met before.
“This woman is a traitor,” the Leader said, her voice cutting through the night air and distracting 481 from his musings. He blinked, clearing his throat, focusing his attention back on the Gifted woman.
“She deserted her duties in this village long ago for a different life,” the Leader continued, “a life of crime and treason. She ran from Gifted rule, but now that she’s decided she’d be more comfortable in one of our towns, she has returned and put every one of you in danger. She’s been stealing your hard-earned rations without lifting a finger to help. So we will be taking her and the traitors who harboured her, but the rest of you need not be harmed. Go back to your homes or I will arrest the whole village.”
The crowd went quiet. Pursing her lips, the Leader turned back to the carriage and climbed onto her bay gelding as rain started to fall again. A distant crack of thunder sounded as 481 hurried towards the traitor’s family, shivering and drawing his cloak closer to his body. 571 arrived first and placed her hands around the children’s shoulders. Gently, she started leading them towards the carriage. Their sobs intensified and the girl looked back and reached towards her father. The Gifted woman continued to lead them away, her face remaining impassive.
The man stared at his children, his jaw tense and his eyebrows knotted. He glanced at the woman holding him and raised his foot, kicking backwards into her shin. She swore and let him go, wincing and grabbing for her sword, her eyes flashing red. The man ran forward, yelling words that 481 thought must be his children’s names. The Gifted man acted quickly, running forward and raising his left hand to the sky. Rain drops settled against his palm hardened into an icy dagger. 481 grabbed for the man’s collar clumsily with his right hand and pressed the point firmly against the villager’s throat. The nonGifted man’s breath shuddered and the blade steamed where small beads of blood spilled over the edge.
“One wrong move…” 481 warned.
The man’s eyes were wide and shaking as he watched 373 and 571 loading his mother and children into the carriage. 481 pulled the man towards the door, wincing as stabbing pains shot up his arm the longer he clenched his crippled fingers.
I can do it. I can’t let them see me struggle.
Beads of sweat formed on his forehead as the man continued to struggle against him. He reached up and grabbed 481’s hands, twisting his wrists. 481 swore under his breath as his grip on the man’s collar loosened. Finally free, the nonGifted man slipped under 481’s right arm and wrestled the icy dagger from his grip. The man ran clumsily towards the carriage as gasps escaped from the crowd. 481 swore out loud and dashed towards his prisoner, his eyes flashing an icy blue.
My hand might be crippled, but I still have my Gift.
Water burst from the palms of his hand, snaking through the air and slipping under the nonGifted man’s feet as he ran. He slipped and stumbled while the wave grew more intense, pushing him back until he was pressed against the stone fence. The water hardened into a thick wall of ice. The man struggled against his bindings, yelling curses. 481 raised his sword with his left hand and shoved the steel blade into the man’s throat. Multiple villagers screamed as the traitor coughed, spraying blood all over 481’s face. Frowning, the Gifted man blinked and wiped the droplets away with the back of his sleeve and withdrew the sword, sheathing it without wiping away the blood.
“Dad, no… ” The male child’s voice through the night air, cracking on every syllable. 481 looked up and saw him and his sister staring at their father’s bleeding body, their cheeks white. The traitor woman was crying too, her sobs choking against the gag. She fell to her knees, her shoulders shaking. 373 forced her to her feet and pushed her and the children back into the carriage, slamming the door behind them.
“He was innocent!” a man’s voice cried, unidentifiable among the crowd. “You – you killed him. Eddie never hurt anyone!”
Multiple voices yelled in agreement. The rain intensified and 481 lifted his sword threateningly towards the crowd.
“Stay back!” 481 commanded, but the villagers continued to inch forward, many clenching their fists as though ready to jump forward and fight. 481’s eyes fell on the same girl he had spotted before. Her hair was wet and stringy, sticking to her cheeks, her shoulders shaking. She was staring at the man 481 had killed with wide eyes. Multiple men and women rushed past the teenager and threw themselves at the Gifted. 481 pushed them back with a wave of water, gritting his teeth and slashing his sword forward.
“Stop!”
The air around them swirled and roared, rain drops splattering in all directions. The dark-haired girl jumped behind the well to avoid the gust, but the rest of the villagers stumbled backwards. A wave of wind spiralled around the crowd, trapping them in a circle in the middle of the village square. The Leader jumped down from her horse and walked slowly towards the nonGifted villagers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Her eyes flashed and slowly, the villagers started to cough, falling to the ground and clutching at their throats.
“Stop now,” the Leader said, her eyes narrowing as the villagers gasped for air. “You have no chance against us.”
She turned away and climbed back onto her horse. She lifted her hood and kicked her horse’s sides. He trotted forward, whinnying nervously while the air grew still again in his mistress’ wake. Breathing in deeply, the villagers slowly started to pick themselves up from the ground, their faces flushed. The dark-haired girl peeked her head over the top of the well, her face pale. She caught 481’s eye briefly before she turned and ran away, her boots slipping against the slick wet cobblestones. 481 glanced at 373, who was staring at the Leader’s retreating figure, his dark eyes wide.
“I…” he began, his voice hoarse. “I – I’ve never seen a Gift of Air with that kind of power. She… she truly is our Leader.”
481 nodded wordlessly, his throat too tight to speak. 373 opened the carriage door and stepped inside while 571 mounted her horse. 481 bowed his head towards the village Gifted, who were covering the traitor’s son with a woven sheet, and turned back towards his own mare. As he did so, a gust of wind blew around his head, even though the rain was falling in the opposite direction.
What was that? Is someone singing?
He frowned, straining his ears against the heavy rain. A gentle, mournful tune seemed to follow the wind, fading out as quickly as it appeared. He glanced up, wondering if 571 had heard it too, but she and the carriage had already left. Shaking his head, 481 mounted his horse and set off at a fast trot.
It was nothing. I’m just tired, clearly.
481 lifted his hood and urged his horse forward through the thundering rain. He closed his eyes, trying to picture the warm bed and fire waiting for him at the Fortress, but all he could see was a face in the wind.
Comments must contain at least 3 words
Chapter: 0
-Well, that woman who owns the Inn certainly doesn’t take no for an answer. I’d hate to have to give in to her demands. However, it seems like she “asked” them to come to her Inn for another purpose. Could she possibly want to overthrow the Gifted as well?
-Oh sure, when Carrey was a baby, no one sensed her powers, yet they do when she’s 18. Talk about bad luck for her. But hey, this is where the action comes in. :P Nice chapter, just not a nice outcome for Carrey, haha.
November 28, 2013 | Luna's Child
Chapter: 0
First off, my top priority in a story is the plot. I like original, twisty plots; so far this plot is interesting enough to keep me wanting to find out more. So in this chapter, right away, Carey’s gift is identified as such. As I mentioned earlier, there are two sides to it: obviousness makes a story easy to understand, but giving clues keeps a reader mentally engaged. You might want to revise your summary as well, to indicate that perhaps Carey is a new kind of gifted person, one that doesn’t manifest her ability until well past babyhood.
There is no earlier indication that Harold’s mother is an innkeeper, so that came rather suddenly. Perhaps you could insert a sentence somewhere in her dialogue. Probably somewhere after ‘That was not what Janelle had expected.’ Something along the lines of “I have an inn, small but very comfortable, perfect for weary travellers like you,” the woman explained. That removed some of Janelle’s doubt about why she would suddenly take in strangers into her home, and why the boy was so excited to meet travellers.
I’d thought earlier that the gifted children were taken away to serve some unnamed tyrant, but now it seems that the Gifted themselves are the oppressors in some way (which is also not explained so far). That changes some things. For instance it makes Janelle and Samantha’s desire for revenge all the harder to get. Are they angry because the Gifted turned their siblings against them?
Editing:
November 29, 2013 | I hear stories in my head
Thank you for commenting! Yes, Janelle and Samantha’s mission will not be easy to achieve :P
December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Eh, saw it coming. It was a pretty gut wrenching scene, however, when he dragged Carey away from the family. You could almost picture the looks on their faces. Poor Wesley will take it the worst out of anyone, I'm afraid. I've grown up knowing Lindsay as a girl's name so I keep thinking he's a girl, but that's irrelevant.
At the moment I'm still not sure what to think about Janelle and Samantha. They don't seem to be as interesting as Carey, but that's just because not much is going on in their lives at the moment. Anyways, another good chapter, keep up the good work!
November 30, 2013 | A . Nonymous
Haha personally I've heard Lindsay as both a girl's and a boy's name, although I think I've seen it used for a boy slightly more. Honestly it doesn't really matter, he's not that important XD I like gender neutral names, Carey is also a unisex name. Janelle and Samantha don't do much for the first few chapters, I hope you find them more interesting later! :D
December 1, 2013 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
A really nice chapter. The pace didn't slow down and all parts kept my focus on the plot. Good job with introducing Janelle and Samantha - I like the idea of female warriors. It seems that they're still inexperienced (at least Janelle), but they'll do just fine. The scene in the inn was fine, but it was odd, that the topic of the two girls missing came up and no one except the innkeeper figured out that they're sitting right here, although it was obvious.
Now Carey. I just knew she won't be able to escape the Assessor that easily! Anyway, the second half of the chapter made the plot pick up the pace and kept the tension up. I was rooting for Carey to escape the Assessor all the time, so I guess you did really well.
The very ending made me dislike Carey's family though. I was a bit surprised that she wasn't able to prevent him for dragging her out, but actually it isn't that unusual if the guy is strong and trained. But, why didn't her family gang up on him? He wouldn't stand a chance. Perhaps they were afraid of the consequences, but Wesley started defending Carey, but then he just gave up.
Anyway, I'm curious how Carey will accommodate to her new life situation. I suspect that it would be like failing 18 grades and go to school at the age of 22 with 6-year old kiddies. Well, we shall see.
January 18, 2014 | Malgorzata Wyrwas
The main reason Carey's family didn't fight him (at least right away) is because they were still in shock over the whole thing. Also, if they had resisted, they would have been defeated by the Assessor quite easily. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but he is carrying a sword, plus he has his Gift, while they're unarmed and some are young children. Anyway, Carey's fight against the Assessor isn't over yet ;)
January 18, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
I was wondering if you intended this to be a full length novel? If you were I would slow down the pacing just by a tad. It's not a problem, but it is just something I would do if this were a full length novel. If it is a novella or a short story then this pacing is perfect. I do like stories that do straight into the plot, so I am not complaining. I really do like your descriptions of the setting, the emotion of the characters, and the cliff hanger at the end of great too. The characters are great too in this chapter. I am beginning to get a feel for their personality. I don't want to say that I know what they would do for certain at this point because I am only two chapters in, and obviously there will be character development. Carey does not seem like the typical main female protagonist. She does not annoy me, which is rare in my opinion. Too many other authors try to give the girls what they think they want, but in reality they just end up making me angry. However, you have made Carey a girl that is understandable and not one that is too harsh, but not one that is too soft, which I think is key. The only think I would add a little bit more is a little more showing and a little less telling. Overall this chapter was great and an enjoyable read. I will continue reading it in my spare time.
January 22, 2014 | S S Desai
Yes, I am planning on making this a full novel. In fact, it’ll probably end up being two or three. The first three chapters or so are quite fast paced (simply because it would be boring if Carey just moped around her village for ages, and anyway her main plot can’t really start until she leaves). There are three main characters in this story (the third hasn’t had a POV section yet, although this will change very soon…) and they each have an emotional journey as well as the main plot, so it will end up being rather long :P
P.S On your comment about showing versus telling, what exactly is it that you think I tell too much of instead of show?
January 22, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
What I meant by that is that you can do it a little more in places where you are describing her feelings. Like describe her actions of fear and worry. It's not major. Like it's fine as it is now, but I think this would just help improve it.
January 23, 2014 | S S Desai
Chapter: 0
Okay, I've got to ask; was Harold's mother's 'Winter is coming' statement a Game of Thrones reference? Probably not, but if it was then bravo! You have excellent taste in television! Anyway, on a more chapter related note; well done on this one.
I'm glad we got to see a little more of Janelle and Sam this time around. They seem to have an interesting dynamic between them. However, I can't say following a woman they just met to an inn filled with people was a particularly bright idea, especially since they're on the run XD. Wouldn't want to see them get caught before they can fire up their rebellion!
Poor Carey! I figured she'd be found out by the Assessor, but I had hope! I have to say, though, she had the absolute worst timing of anyone, ever!
March 22, 2014 | Serina Truscott-Duvall
Yes, that was a GOT reference. And it worked, because winter actually is coming in the story at this point :P The opportunity was too much to resist… XD Haha, she does have bad timing… It’s all 256’s fault, really. Later he explains that he actually got lost and that’s why he arrived late… If he hadn’t she may never have been caught ;) As for Janelle and Sam, they're not exactly the most experienced of rebellors. They, like Carey, are really just ordinary villagers except with some vendetta and fighting skills at this point :3 Particularly Janelle.
March 23, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Just one minor grammatical error. When she says "I have too.", it's supposed to be spelled "I have _to_". 'Too' means 'also' or 'as well as'. It's a common mistake, but it's one that a lot of readers will pick up on, and it makes your writing look immature and unprofessional. You have to be careful with these because spell-check sometimes doesn't pick them up.
Other than that, very good story, I like it so far. :)
April 15, 2014 | Mahelsonei Sonjen
Thanks for picking up that typo. I must admit I'm a very lazy editor, so I make a lot of them ;)
April 15, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
O_O This chapter is so suspenseful! In a good way!
Who is Rosa? I was a little surprised when you referred to her as an innkeeper. I thoughts she was another traveler, or maybe a Gifted (sorry, I'm saying that like it's a bad word =D) in disguise. She could so easily be the latter, or maybe a nice lady. But she was so willing to be really nice to Janelle and Samantha. And she had a face that I imagined to look like this 😠if you can see that. Very suspicious. Surely they weren't that desperate for some business. You said they had other guests. Carey being with the gifted is going to be interesting as well.
I will nag you about a few things. In your tenth paragraph in the second sentence, you had two girls and tagged both of them as "she," which gets confusing. As you may know, and I completely agree, I am not fully qualified to talk about tags, but one problem I had when I started writing that I see here is having voices talk. The voices themselves don't talk...I don't know whether or not it's common and a lot of people say "...the voice said" etc. Just wanted to let you know. Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." I'm not sure, sorry if I'm wrong.
A couple aspects of the chapter were a little interesting. One is the fact that you didn't say what Janelle and Samantha ate. Another is the way you said the clouds had a strange orange color. Hmmm interesting =)
One of the good things about your chapter is the little details. I like how you talked about Rosa drinking Janelle's water, and the coins jingling in their pockets. Samantha makes the story interesting with her mysterious behavior, and I anticipate seeing some battle scenes with her and Janelle fighting. At the moment their decisions are enough. Samantha hiding in the tree, and Janelle showing herself to the innkeeper and her son. The decisions characters are making keep the story flowing.
April 29, 2014 | David Boyce
Thanks for the tips again :) I think you’re right about the voice thing. I should definitely change it. Although, I’m a little confused. What do you mean by: Another thing is saying a question: "'What else could it be?' he said, shrugging." Do you just mean because I wrote said instead of asked? Sorry for being dumb :P
As for the orange clouds, I don’t know about you but where I live the clouds always go this weird orange colour when the sun’s setting or rising :P So that was supposed to show it was the early morning (as Janelle was waking up).
April 30, 2014 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Okay, so managed to find some time to continue with this (thankfully!)
I didn't come across any errors, and the writing was pretty clean and fluid, as far as i can see. :)
I'm with Samantha--I don't trust the inn-keep one iota. Something tells me she knew they were the girls from the mountain; though whether she has good or bad intentions, I can't say. She could be testing them, for all I know, lol. I'll just have to keep reading, in order to see.
Likewise, the latter half of the chapter was also interesting. To think, Carey avoided being taken all that time--but then again, nothing had manifested before then. I wonder why it came about, now of all times? I like how you made a point to show that Carey had expected the Assessor to look quite different, probably a look befitting his station, and how he was quite different from what she'd imagined. On that note, I have a feeling it's not just as simple as bad guys and good guys; I get the feeling the Assessor is no happier about his role than anyone else is. I'm eager to see what follows.
November 13, 2014 | Shannon Rohrer
Chapter: 0
Hey, sorry for not getting back to you but I really wanted to get chapter 22 finished :L that's done now so I was able to reread this and give a proper review.
Again, overall, your chapters are excellent. You craft characters very well and portray their thoughts well. I like how Samantha is an enigma to Janelle, I want to know her motives and reasoning. I really enjoyed Janelle's perspective, especially the strange woman Rosa. I was automatically suspicious of her, she seemed to eager and... weird? It bordered on physical when she insisted 'aggressively'. She must know more than she's letting on and the letter? How does she know of the girl's motives? Is she friend or foe? This was my favourite bit of the chapter for me, definitely, well done! :D
Carey's perspective I enjoyed because it gave more information about the Gifted but it leaves a lot of questions. Do 'gifts' manifest at random points or are they just a genetic feature? If they're the latter, how come Carey wasn't caught before when her other siblings were being assessed? Are there others like her? Is there a secret army of gifted fighting the gifted in the woods? So many questions, which I like because I want them answered.
The only critique I have is descriptions, to feel that sense of submersion within the story (which is very original and has great characters). Also evoking a greater sense of fear and suspense with the Assessor scene and the build up to it. Small details like the day went by so slowly for Carey or really quickly because of her nerves really make it seem more 'real'.
Overall excellent chapter and I'm very curious as to how these stories will progress or overlap and intertwine. Yay! :D
January 7, 2016 | deactivated account
Thanks for the feedback! I really enjoyed writing about Rosa haha. She’s a very perceptive woman xD Anyway, Gifts are not genetically inherited. There is no more chance of a Gifted person having a Gifted child than a nonGifted person, which is common knowledge on the island. They are (usually) present at birth, or rather, the Gifted can use their sensing abilities to sense that a child will be Gifted in the future because their actual powers don’t manifest until they’re 5-7 years old normally.
January 8, 2016 | Genevieve Middleton
Chapter: 0
Wow... this certainly was a chapter! By now I'm geting used to the split POV of Janelle/Samantha - Carey/Wesley, and you did a good job with progressing both sides' story. Samantha in particular is intriguing - who taught her how to use a weapon? Why does she want to overthrow the Gifted? The Inn they find in particular is... off, but maybe not for the reasons I think! You left it at a suitable cliffhanger so I need to know what happens next!
Like the last chapter, it's the Carey/Wesley part that I found particularly interesting... though I did find that Wesley didn't question Carey's gift, accepted it extremely quickly? Maybe it's just me, but I'd react with a bit more fear at the beginning if my sister discovered a latent ability like that.
Nitpicky, I know!
But the ending really got me, especially the Gifted who came to the door. I'm solidly invested in this now!
March 5, 2020 | Danny Power Hallihan (Dormant)
Thanks so much for the comment and your critiques! I hadn’t thought much about Wesley accepting Carey’s Gift too easily, so thanks for that. It does seem strange now you point it out, so thanks for that.
I’m glad you like the two separate storylines for Carey and Janelle, too. The next chapter is a little different so I hope it’s interesting :P
March 7, 2020 | Genevieve Middleton